Mark Twain's Brand of Humor

Virginia City, Nevada

Label Instructions

Humans. . .You have to wonder....
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
(The big one or the little one?)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)
(I love it: food to piss you off.)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just
kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.
(Or pets! What's for dinner?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(What is this, a home castration kit?)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

For those of you who question the reality of these directions,
Del Monte once removed the directions it had on its cans of corn which read:
Open can, heat, serve. However, so many people complained about the missing directions they had to put them back on!

This joke were sent us as email from Jeffrey Bornefeld. If you want to claim credit, please send us an email and we'll add your by-line.

News || Guest Writers || Mark Twain || Dan DeQuille || Humor || Travel

Send your own humorous writings to the current day editor, Tom Muzzio, by email.

A NATIONAL HISTORIC TREASURE Publishing Since 1858

© 1999 All Rights Reserved