In The Spirit of Mark Twain
Virginia City, Nevada
LAWS OF LIFE
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
- The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
- Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
- Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
- Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
- Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
- If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
- The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
- Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
- The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
- Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
- A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
- Two wrongs are only the beginning.
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
- Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
- Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
- Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
- Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
This humorous commentary is an email that has been being circulated without any credit claimed. If you wrote it, email the editor.
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